Today, mid-March, it’s 85 degrees out. I am planning yet another local tour of West Michigan on two-wheels. And by planning, I mean I’m getting on the bike to follow the roads, not a map. I seem to like these adventures the most. As soon as I start to consider which destination will offer the best views or ice cream stop or meal, I become stuck, as though I’ve gotten turned around and can’t find my way. This signals that my destination is not the important thing, but that simply getting out for the ride is.
I’ve been taking the bike out every day since my last day of work. It’s the best treatment for “what-do-I-do-now” fever. My mind keeps urging me toward the job search while my heart keeps guiding me back to the tasks of the day- walking, doing dishes, paying bills. Even as my mind wanders to what I “should do,” I work to remember that there is enough on the “to-do list” already and I silently grant myself permission to hang out with friends, visit with my sister, take a nap.
I am falling out of the habit of a work-laden life. As Sunday afternoon approached, I shoved aside the normal routine- making lunch for work on Monday, washing my uniforms, tidying up the house. I dismissed myself from these normal chores of the day only to be confronted with seasonal chores- cleaning out the garage or tackling yard work. These chores, too, I pushed aside. I will do them when I want to. I finally itched the “should” scratch by paying bills and scheduling some appointments. There’s so much I can do yet I am making a new practice of doing what I want to do.
I’ve decided that on my Sabbatical (as my down-sized job release is now fondly being called) I will do things I want to do more often than things I have to do. I will resist repainting the house, repairing plaster and landscaping my yard. Instead, I plan to do some form of physical activity and write every day. These are my new daily habits. This is the new life I am committed to.
I ran into a former supervisor while out on a walk yesterday. She is a free-spirit herself who was given the gift of some time off a few years back between jobs. She asked me if I was getting restless yet with all my free time as she recalled feeling unsettled and purposeless while unemployed. Because I’ve been off less than a week, I haven’t yet started to feel that. And I am determined that I won’t. I don’t mean to say that I won’t be nervous or a little afraid of how I will support myself financially, but I also realize that I am perfectly equipped to commit to my writing life and see where those efforts lead me.
In the last few weeks at work I was asked to fill out a self-evaluation that listed tasks I had completed in the previous year. My list was over 2 pages long and I even impressed myself with what I’d been able to accomplish in that one year. I helped reorganize the physical space for better use, transitioned the clinical staff to electronic medical records, updated policies and procedures for greater safety and efficiency, for example.
Reviewing this last year of my employment helped me realize that I have all the skills I need to make my writing the center of my life instead of something I try to make time for. There is much I don’t yet know about how to publish my writing but I have the resources to find those things out. Just as I learned which person to call for IT issues, or OSHA related questions in my former position, I also have a list of “specialists” in the writing world that I can call on for support. In addition, I have friends who are already helping. Aaron told me about a contact of his with Rider Magazine and Amanda introduced me to her mom who is also a freelance writer.
I keep hearing myself generate all kinds of ideas of making money- through repurposing furniture, making cards and jewelry, working for friends- and then I gently remind myself that I can do any of those things I want to do but I will not resort to them because I feel like I have to. There is a balance, of course, and I will have to see how the finances work out. But I know that I have to stay focused on what I can do rather than acting out of fear about money.
Today I started brainstorming ideas for articles and projects and sorting out journals who may be interested in my work. I’m in my “gathering ideas” phase of this new role where I’m investigating all the possible routes of travel before determining what to focus on. It’s an exciting time for me. During dinner the other night with Aaron, he remarked, “I didn’t realize you were going through all that! You don’t look like you’re stressed.” I continue to hear those words echo in my mind because they reflect a clear truth of the experience of losing my job: I am not as stressed out by it as I am excited to have this time for myself.
I will be settling in here at home to see what writing comes forth. It’s easy to get on the bike and ride to a destination writing spot, with fancy ideas of what I can produce while surrounded by books, magazines and cups of liquid inspiration. But all my writing thus far has come while camped out on my couch or propped up in bed. And I’ve got a hunch that the next year in those same places will bring as much life to my writing as writing to my life. In the meantime, it’s time to get out on the bike and see the city on two wheels- that view continues to be my best inspiration of all.
No comments:
Post a Comment