I’m feeling restless these days. We keep getting teased with warmer temperatures only to wake up with blustery winds and a dusting of snow. The icy roads tell the truth: that Winter is still upon us. Weather reports have taunted us this season- and with typical accuracy for West Michigan, have often been wrong.
Sundays are my favorite day to write because it’s the day that feels like both the last and the first day of the week. It’s the day I reflect on the previous week and plan for the week to come. This past week I got word that my position at work was eliminated. Because of this, I will be taking a severance package. Once again, I am faced with the decision to continue on my current career path or take another direction altogether. This time I have the benefit of many months of paid time off to decide.
I spent yesterday afternoon with Anita- we had lunch and drinks. She summarized my current situation like this: “you’re on sabbatical for the next few months.” I love that way of looking at it so much that I am deciding from this point forward I will refer to this situation not as “being downsized” but as “going on sabbatical.” She’s heard me talk about writing and offering workshops for long enough that she knows I can use this time to put those dreams into action. My friends certainly help me keep a healthy perspective.
My bike is sturffed in the corner of my garage, the seat off, with the battery on a trickle charge in the basement. Yesterday I daydreamed about putting her back together and riding her down to Lifecycle in Kalamazoo to get some brake work done. When I pictured myself riding down, there was no snow on the ground and I wasn’t wearing long johns and my heated gear. There was no helmet or sunglasses and there was plenty of money in my bank account to cover whatever repairs and upgrades were needed. In other words, it was an absolute fantasy my imagination had concocted because I have been feeling hemmed in, constricted and limited. At this time of the season, I’m no longer comforted by sleeping in while the snow piles up- I feel frustrated that I can’t just throw on some shoes and go for a walk without first layering and donning and bundling. I want to roll in the grass and jump in puddles, not shovel snow and slip on ice.
During the Spring and Summer, when I use only my bike to get around, I rarely speak about the weather. With rain, I put on rain gear; cool, I put on the heated gear; hot, I put on the ventilated gear. Unlike some of my riding friends, I’m not a fair weather rider and I don’t check weather reports all day long to see if I’ll be able to head out for a ride after work. I check the weather the old fashion way- by stepping outside. While I pull the bike out of the garage, I’m looking at the sky and taking in the feel and smell of the air. Nevertheless, riding daily is a commitment. It takes planning and, as you may have noted, lots of gear or at least proper gear to cover the variety of riding conditions we encounter here in West Michigan.
In my daydream, there were no preparations, no consideration of the weather, no gear at all, even- just me and the bike and the promise of future riding. When I contrast this with how I live each day- factoring in so many different things: the temperature, the destination, finances, food – I am always, at some level attempting to prepare myself for whatever lies ahead. The irony is, that after all these years, I still can’t predict what’s coming.
Nearly three years ago, I was working for the Grand Rapids Dominicans and struggling with the job. Just as in my current position, I was being asked to take on more duties – the scope of my practice was so large and had become so stressful, the things I enjoyed the most were “not a priority” to the organization. Back then, I daydreamed regularly of losing my job so I could write. Fast forward to today and I am finally getting the chance. I wasn’t planning to leave my present employer and it never occurred to me that my current position would dissolve. That said, my frustration and disappointment are mitigated by the fact that I have several months of paid time off to explore the things I was daydreaming about just a few years ago.
Patrick called last night with an extra ticket to the Grand Rapids Symphony- his wife is a violinist and suggested he invite me to watch the performance with him. He picked me up 30 minutes later and off we went to the “Soul” themed evening. The event opened with a piece that sounded like a movie score- its energy and tension peaking and receding throughout. Other pieces followed including a jazz singer who pulled out a Bobby McFerrin song backed by a choir. The evening ended with several performances by Dianne Reeves, in tribute to Sarah Vaughan. I felt like I was taken on both a musical and emotional journey. Her voice is so rich and full, and comes from deep within that I was willing to follow wherever she led. Short stories she shared like vignettes before each song had the audience laughing or rejoicing with her. Then she would pause and as the first few bars of music began, the audience caught the story that continued through the feeling and lyrics of the song. The musicians pulled the audience into the performance so completely, that the subject/object relationship between them and the audience dissolved. In listening to her, I felt part of her show and she in turn, expressed the same when she said, “I’m leaving home with many gifts tonight.”
Life takes so many twists and turns, and I’m as grateful for the fork in the road that led me to last night’s performance as I am for the writing sabbatical. I know the daydream of riding unencumbered by weather or gear choices is not just a desire to for Summer riding but is born of a deeper desire to let myself be led by the road in front of me, and not just by the path I have marked on the map.
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